But That Was So Long Ago….
It’s been 2 and 1/2 years. I went away, emotionally and, yes, physically. I will never go there again, but that was one extreme and now I find myself at the opposite end of the spectrum.
Then I felt like I was starting to figure me out, and then things went terribly wrong, so I recoiled. But now i feel so out of touch with myself. I have a history of trying too hard to please my partner to the exclusion of my own needs. He can’t be blamed for that, I do it to myself. I guess I figure if I love him enough he will love me enough.
He said that he DOES love me, he just isn’t IN love with me. I can’t blame him, but I just thought that we would be past this by now. He wasn’t being mean when he said it, that makes it even harder to hear. He doesn’t want to end it, he wants to keep trying and so do I, but he wasn’t very hopeful that he will ever move forward. My own hope is starting to wane. One day I thought things were good and the next, it all came tumbling down again. “I want to be in love with you again, I want to feel the way I felt before but I just don’t know if I can ever open my heart like that again, for anyone.” Is want going to be enough to make it true? Can we “fake it til we make it?”
I thought about what my life would be like without him. How would it be worse? Better? Would I be lonely(er)?
This is my third marriage, I don’t want to divorce again. We’ve been together for 10 years. We’ve raised our kids together (we have none together). Our grandkids are OUR grandkids, that is, as long as we are together. If we part, what’s mine is mine and what’s his is his.
I didn’t do it because I stopped loving him. I didn’t do it to hurt him or to spite him or just for fun. I did it because I was desperate. I gave up on him. By the time I realized the mistake I was making, I had already crossed the line. From that moment on, I have never looked back, never regretted staying with my husband. If I could turn back the hands of time I would never do it over. But none of that matters, what’s done is done.